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Topic: I`ll get my coat. (Please add more)

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Bridgelayer

29/3/2021 at 1:11pm
Location: West Yorks
Outfit: Gobur Carousel

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The police rang me today to say they've recovered my stolen sofa.

Which I thought was nice of them. It was starting to look a bit scruffy.

I'm having a quarantine party this weekend.
None of you are invited.

Two salesmen were going door to door, when they knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them.
She told them that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door.
To her surprise however the door did not close and, bounced back open.
She tried again and again convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door.
She reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said:
"Madam, before you do that again, you might need to move your cat."

Post last edited on 29/03/2021 13:15:02

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Some days you are the dog,
some days you are the tree.

Goodbye tension, hello Pension!

The Vicar

30/3/2021 at 10:12am
Location: Suffolk
Outfit: Coachman Pastiche 525 4

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My next door neighbour has given me a large plastic sheet to cover my caravan.

Ta Pauline

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A Fart is only Natures Ringtone

Finish what you sta

Rod+Ali

31/3/2021 at 3:26pm
Location: Perth
Outfit: Bailey Ranger BMW 320d Convertible

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The police came to my door the other day with a photograph

"is this your wife?" asked the officer.

When i confirmed that it was my wife and asked what was wrong - he said

"It looks like she's been hit by a bus"

"I know" I said "But she's great with the kids"

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"quando omni flunkus moritatus"

SGThomas

02/4/2021 at 8:31am
Location: Leigh on sea
Outfit: None Entered

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Q: "how did you know how to do things before Google?"

A: " our generation were so clever we didn't need it ...but we realised our kids were a bit thick and lazy so one of us invented google for you, and the rest of us told google what we knew already"

Mike3003

via mobile 02/4/2021 at 9:36pm
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The chap who invented the “Spell Checker” recently passed away.

May he rust in pi*s.

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Not ALL Newts get p**sed.

“Semper Fidelis”

Rod+Ali

03/4/2021 at 8:31am
Location: Perth
Outfit: Bailey Ranger BMW 320d Convertible

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The man who invented predictive text has died...............His Funfair is on Sundial

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"quando omni flunkus moritatus"

moppetsdad

03/4/2021 at 9:57am
Location: The foot hills of no
Outfit: A full biohazard su

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Where did house spiders live before humans built houses???

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David

I've stood on Lego and didn't even cry!!

Rod+Ali

03/4/2021 at 12:43pm
Location: Perth
Outfit: Bailey Ranger BMW 320d Convertible

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Went to Kwik-Fit yesterday and asked them to fit new tyres on my car

"All round?" asked the fitter.

"No" I replied............"I'd like square ones on the front"

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"quando omni flunkus moritatus"

Pixie_Hez

03/4/2021 at 2:11pm
Location: Liverpool
Outfit: Swift Challenger 560

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Our house was broken into last week. The thieves stole my trainers and an assortment of clothing but left my camouflage jacket. The police say they can run, but they can’t hide.

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Pixie

Bridgelayer

03/4/2021 at 3:12pm
Location: West Yorks
Outfit: Gobur Carousel

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Anyone else hear about the appalling behaviour on Bournemouth beach yesterday? Man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids. Then she smacked him one and it all kicked off. Police turned up and the Officer had to use his baton on the bloke, but after a struggle, the bloke got the baton off the Officer then he started hitting the Officer and the woman with it!

Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages...

A bloke took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
The presenter said, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks" the bloke replied.

-------------
Some days you are the dog,
some days you are the tree.

Goodbye tension, hello Pension!

Oswestry Ed

via mobile 06/4/2021 at 11:35am
Location: Marches
Outfit: POSSL 2Win

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My wife says l'm hopeless at fixing kitchen appliances.
Well, she is in for a shock.

Bridgelayer

06/4/2021 at 3:04pm
Location: West Yorks
Outfit: Gobur Carousel

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A cross-eyed Rabbi performed a circumcision and got the sack.

-------------
Some days you are the dog,
some days you are the tree.

Goodbye tension, hello Pension!

Ernie DB

06/4/2021 at 9:35pm
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Joined: 29/7/2011

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For my first question on Mastermind, John Humphreys asked...

"William the Conqueror used many tactics to defeat Harold, what clever instruction did he give to his archers that finally won the battle?"

I answered.."Sorry John but I think there's been a mix-up, I asked for questions on Norman Wisdom."

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Never argue with fools........They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

Bridgelayer

08/4/2021 at 4:18pm
Location: West Yorks
Outfit: Gobur Carousel

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I bought the wife a new bag and belt for her birthday.

The Hoover is working perfectly now!

Gentlemen, make your lady feel extra special today.

Frame a photo of her, hang it in the kitchen and write 'Employee of the month' underneath ..

-------------
Some days you are the dog,
some days you are the tree.

Goodbye tension, hello Pension!

Ernie DB

09/4/2021 at 11:38am
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Joined: 29/7/2011

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We asked a hundred people to name something you get from Spain.
You answered 'Deported' (klaxon sounds).
Our survey said......

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Never argue with fools........They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

Oswestry Ed

via mobile 13/4/2021 at 7:07pm
Location: Marches
Outfit: POSSL 2Win

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Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

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