**admin I apologise if this breaks the rules but I think it needs saying**
Further to the campaign on itv about taking a minute and talking to family and friends, I wish I had taken this advice myself.
I’ve been struggling for a while now, and last week was the fourth anniversary of losing my wee boy in such a cruel manner. I bottled up my emotions at the time and have been ever since. Even now I still blame myself and have done since day one, and can’t shake that guilt off no matter what I try or do.
I turned to gambling as a distraction in 2016 have run up an incredible debt that will take me years to pay back. I have however stopped thanks to counselling and a wonderful non judgemental support group.
But last week I stupidly took my anger and my pain out on myself. As a result, I have now got to report to a cpn and my gp, not to mention my family at upset with me, because I didn’t say anything. I just didn’t want to be here anymore.
So please please if you are feeling down, speak to someone. If you suspect someone is struggling mentally, speak to them. If someone asks to talk please try and listen to them.
------------- Who needs travel agents,we have our static
Very good advice Fife Bloke, hopefully you are continuing with the support you have found. I cannot imagine the pain you are in, losing your son. Most people couldn't. Be kind to yourself. And well done for speaking out.
fife-bloke, I hope that now you have been to your darkest place and stared into the abyss you can find the strength to climb back towards the light, grasping whichever hands reach out to help you up, now that people around you are more aware of your troubles. You're so right about the talking. Who knows, maybe your experiences, however dark, will one day help you to help others too. It's hard to imagine what it's like unless you've been there. Good luck.
I hadn't heard about any of this until now. All i know is that grief can last a very long time. I am into a decade now, and it doesn't involve an immediate family member. So god knows how that feels. Fortunately for myself i am not 'affected' as deeply as the OP.
Glad the OP is getting help.
I’m so Sorry to learn that you have been going through such a bad time Fifebloke, l remember well the night you came on here to announce that your precious little boy had died. Such a shock for loved ones when it happens so quickly and without warning. I lost my daughter to Cancer the year before your son passed away, but at least we had time to make some special memories with her as a family during the two years she was ill, but it was heartbreaking just the same. I was lucky enough to have a very understanding GP, and the care and medication l received to help me cope with the loss was second to none.
Hopefully the care you will receive from your CPN and GP team will help you greatly, the pain does get easier to cope with as the years go by, in time you will feel more comfortable and remember him and all the good times you had during his lifetime, nothing or no one can ever take those precious moments away from you.
Wishing you good luck and positive thoughts,
Julia
------------- Just love to be out amoungst Nature and Wildlife
Celebrating 37 years of Caravanning in 2019, Recently Considered Retiring, but Totally Addicted for Life!
I'm really sorry to read this Fife-bloke but agree with Fiona that it's very brave of you to share your thoughts and feelings in the way that you have done.
The phrase 'be kind' has been expressed a lot in the media over the last few weeks. What seems to have been forgotten though is that sometimes, if not always you need to start by being kind to YOURSELF. Let's just see how else you can look at some of the things you have said:
- "I still blame myself and have done since day one, and can’t shake that guilt off no matter what I try or do."
This is natural. Humans, like other animals are biologically programmed to become parents and grandparents. To lose a child, especially at such a young age is devastating to your entire internal system. Your brain is so complicated, and so amazing that there's just no way it can reboot itself quickly.
But I've taken the liberty of searching for your original post when you announced that your little boy had died. You say that he collapsed at home after a short illness, and that his heart stopped four times on the way to A&E. The hospital found that his windpipe had collapsed, and his brain starved of oxygen for 30 minutes as a result.
You couldn't possibly have known this just by looking at him. You did the only thing you could do which was getting him to A&E. That this didn't save him is tragic. But YOU DID ALL YOU COULD.
- "I turned to gambling as a distraction in 2016 have run up an incredible debt that will take me years to pay back. I have however stopped thanks to counselling and a wonderful non judgemental support group."
There you go then. You RECOGNISED that you needed help and YOU GOT it. The result is that your gambling has stopped, which means the help is WORKING.
- "But last week I stupidly took my anger and my pain out on myself. As a result, I have now got to report to a cpn and my gp, not to mention my family at upset with me, because I didn’t say anything. I just didn’t want to be here anymore."
So you had a setback last week. That's after four years of managing to continue to support your family as a husband and father, which means staying strong for other people when all you really want to do is to retreat into yourself. That's the hardest thing of all, but YOU'VE DONE IT. And now you know that there might be times when you need the help of others to stop it all getting a bit too much. But you also know the help is there.
Yes, some days in the future will be dreadful. But plenty more won't be. And if you have a bad day, the important thing is that you don't punish yourself for it. Have a think about why that day went so wrong and if there's one small thing you can do differently the next day. If that day goes any better, then reward yourself.
I should perhaps point out that I have no medical or psychological qualifications whatsoever and that I'll take no offence if you ignore all of this rambling for the rubbish that it may well be. However, one thing I am certain of is that this forum is a wonderful place and that I've been amazed previously at how so many people, who don't know each other and who are united by nothing more than a love of caravanning/camping are willing to try and offer help and advice as best they can to those affected by sadness, illness or other personal circumstances. So even if you don't feel like you can talk to family or friends, please carry on talking to us.
Thank you and best wishes
Sam and Rose x
------------- "Don't wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect."
Fife-bloke in the midst of unimaginable pain you have posted to pass on your care for others, and your advice and plea to us all is well heard.
I am so sorry to hear about your darling boy. No one should have to live the life of a parent who loses a child, and I do not call it ‘stupid’ to not want to endure that.
You have been brave sharing this with us. May love and strength gather around you as you take your next steps.
You know my thoughts from that fateful day, and the immediate aftermath. They haven't changed, of course!
Truly sorry to see you haven't been coping as well as some do, but glad to see that you are now receiving the help and support you clearly need... from the experts and your previously unknowing family.
Not only am I pleased to see you advocating the "need to talk", but are now following your own advice, which is of course, so, so true.
Stay strong my friend. Look after yourself... but don't be afraid to let others look after you too, as and when!
How much is the gambling debt? I’m sure we could have a whip round to sort that out! Dosh is just a tool when all is said and done. You’ve seem to have had so much bad luck over the years Fiifebloke its about time something went in your ffavour!! I know they say into each life a little rain must fall but you have had a bloody deluge over the last 4 or 5 years.
Don’t be too proud to accept help. Some things are simple to fix like the dosh thing. Other things are not possible to fix like cancer or whatever.
My view is fix the things that can be fixed and don’t worry over mere dosh.
Give us the numbers and we’ll sort the dosh the next all you have to do is get your head in the right space and all should be well.
Firstly thank you everyone so much for the lovely posts of encouragement and understanding where I have been. Samandrose that post really got to me in a nice way, really powerful post that was from the heart. Thank you so much.
Romany girl and mucker you were both there for me at the beginning and I have never forgotten your words of kindness at the time - believe me it helped then and this has helped again if I ever meet you guys, the drinks will be on me all night.
Deborah,smartgolfer,David,plumbo,SW,Mick,Fiona and hedgehugger as well lovely posts which are truly appreciated.
David I run up over 12k but have got it down to just under 7k which I’m hoping to have clear in 3 years. I truly appreciate your lovely gesture but I can’t take folks hard earned cash. I couldn’t live with myself if I did. I’d be feeling guilty as hell if I did that.
I have had a couple of appointments now with the cpn and am feeling a bit better now, not brilliant but not in that dark place is was in. Hopefully I can keep improving and get back to work and have a bit of normality again.
Thanks again everyone
------------- Who needs travel agents,we have our static
FifeBloke if a few people give a few pence it could well solve your dosh problem. No doubt any of them wouldn’t miss it - the impact on their lives would be very minimal the effect on yours would be more significant.
I’m sure you’ve done your share of good deeds over the years FifeBloke and I’m equally sure if others were in need you would want to help,.
Taken in the round if sometimes you win and sometimes you lose it kind of evens out. Sometimes we need something when we don’t have the dosh to fix it. Other times others need something when they don’t and we do.
What can be wrong with taking a bit of dosh off like minded people to fix a problem you have and they don’t? Who knows in the future you may have the dosh to fix the problem they have and lack the dosh to solve?
Quote: Originally posted by david8858 on 11/3/2020
FifeBloke if a few people give a few pence it could well solve your dosh problem. No doubt any of them wouldn’t miss it - the impact on their lives would be very minimal the effect on yours would be more significant.
I’m sure you’ve done your share of good deeds over the years FifeBloke and I’m equally sure if others were in need you would want to help,.
Taken in the round if sometimes you win and sometimes you lose it kind of evens out. Sometimes we need something when we don’t have the dosh to fix it. Other times others need something when they don’t and we do.
What can be wrong with taking a bit of dosh off like minded people to fix a problem you have and they don’t? Who knows in the future you may have the dosh to fix the problem they have and lack the dosh to solve?
Feeling guilty shouldn’t come into it.
Just the way I am David lol I felt guilty taking a xmas present of my folks a few years back. I try and do good for others, I sponsor family friends workmates etc but it’s because I want to help their respective charities and help them achieve their goals. I also in future hope to help other parents who tragically will go through what we have. But that’s down the line, I need to sort my own head out first before I do any of that
------------- Who needs travel agents,we have our static
A day of all things motorhome and campervan. The show is held both in the main indoor arena and across the grounds. Catering, hot drinks and food options are available. Easy access to the site and free parking included. Win one of five pairs of day tickets
Topic: Please talk
via mobile 02/3/2020 at 10:35pm
